Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
