I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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