The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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