The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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