I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
