I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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