Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
