I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
