Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
