I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
