So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
