Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
