the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
