whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
