i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
