You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
