i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
