i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
