Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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