ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
