you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
zippers are such a cool invention
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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