i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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