I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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