On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
