He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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