Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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