Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
