Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
