so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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