You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
