I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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