Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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