If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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