Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Who died my cat blue again?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
