What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
