I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
