Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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