There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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