if you like me you must not know who I am
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
bring money and cleavage
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
