You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
