this beer tastes like vomit already
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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