Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
