The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you will always have a special place in my vag
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
