you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
