girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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