When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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