apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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