your parents love me but you hate me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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