He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
