my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
